Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
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“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
love it when they get my name right
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats