Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

🐦

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?