Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

looks legit

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.