Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then