Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Taco Bell, Exit 22

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

I had to Stop for this

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.