Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
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I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
A faux pas at a dinner welcoming alien visitors: an egg dish is served to the visitors, not knowing they’re oviparous.
“No offense was intended, I’m sure, but you have to understand: us eating eggs would be like…would be like you consuming another mammal.”
“…right.”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
me: my friends:
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.