Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
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my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
🤣😂🤣
