Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
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Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.