Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
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my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you