Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

Cats (2019)

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…