Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
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Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
War & Peace
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles