Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
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“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Money is the root of all wealth