Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
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My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[at the general store]
me: one general please
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
#Caturday
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”