Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

can you read it!!??

maan!

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

HR said no more nunchucks.

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

“TGIM!” – My liver

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching