Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.