Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”