Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.