Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”