Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
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You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Gas station lines at 2 am:
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.