Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

@funTweeters

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’