Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
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At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.