Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
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BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
DOOO EEEET
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.