Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

When I sing in the shower the water turns cold

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

I am laughing way too hard at this.

I bet birds love this building.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

Hello, my name is Pierre.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

Pringles

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*