Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
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I hate how websites force you to prove you鈥檙e not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn鈥檛 brush your teeth
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I鈥檓 fine, thanks
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 馃槓
ME (from beyond): 馃榿
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the