Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.