Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

I think I’m having a stroke

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.