20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
You Might Also Like
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.