Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
You Might Also Like
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.