Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
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I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”