Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
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{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”