Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

10/10 no notes

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

thank god the sign was there

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”