Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around