Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…