Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!