Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too