Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
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I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT