Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
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washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.