Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

I’m hunting wabbits…

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

this was the best i’ve ever seen

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?