Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
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“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Doggies just call it style.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.