Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.