Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
You Might Also Like
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”