Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
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Best misinterpreted text ever!
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat