Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

i think both sides are to blame here

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.