Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.