Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
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I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.