Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
You Might Also Like
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Sex so good you see dead people.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered