Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*