Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
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A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]