Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
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If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
for all #parents out there
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?