Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
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It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
That’s classic.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?