Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
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Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.