Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
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when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.