Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
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I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose