Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
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I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
hey, alexa
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
But that’s none of my business
