Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard