Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!