Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
😭😭😭
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.