sometimes i miss this memes
You Might Also Like
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Interior design 👌
