sometimes i miss this memes
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Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus