sometimes i miss this memes
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A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Boss: I鈥檓 afraid I鈥檓 going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Webb. James Webb.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don鈥檛 touch the bandana
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
forget nudes: in 2019 we鈥檙e sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn鈥檛 seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 馃槈
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
MOM: sleep tight, don鈥檛 let the bedbugs bite 馃檪
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can鈥檛 bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly