Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

dude it’s called proctologist

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.