Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
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Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Who did it better?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”