Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
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Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.