Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Alexa turn off the planet

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Discuss