Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
*lint rolls you awake*
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Stop sending me this shit.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?