Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

This makes total sense…

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Mad Max: Furry Road

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]