Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now