#catsoftwitter
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
The Joker was right
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?