Social media explained.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
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Apple Maps: Our artisanal cartographers hope you enjoy this pleasant journey. 28 min
Google Maps: Our algorithm has determined an optimal path for the most efficient route given current traffic conditions. 25 min
Waze: Drive through this dude’s living room. 17 min
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I don’t suffer insomnia like most tweeters do.
I always get a solid 7, maybe 8 minutes of sleep every night.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”
Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.