Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
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If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.