Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
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Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!