Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”