Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
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Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!