Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
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Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
more water
584.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
Möther may I have a snäck
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.