Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
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Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.