Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
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[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
This is hilarious
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.